Wednesday, 26 September 2012
The Greenroom (Self Indulgent Post #1)
What a dreadful evening. Not the music. That was a-okay. No complaints to make about any of the sets witnessed from my dark corner. But dreadful in that I had one of those moments of despair that I used to get back in the day when I was more anxious and oldschool and depressed. Tonight felt as if despite all efforts I would never fit the bill, never match up, never be good enough at whatever it is I am meant to be doing. In short, it was a write-off. The more I do things, the more I get filled with regret. Where is the joy? Seeing all the freshers - so lively, so interested in everything and each other - made me want to start again. At the beginning. When I was bumbling round halls like a nonce asking people what Kingdom was. I can't remember feeling like that anymore, though I'm pretty sure I felt it once. I really miss when things were fresh and new. I miss laughter. I miss you, whoever you are. I have failed. Maybe my mistake was to go out without an aim. It would have been fine if only I'd brought some kind of memory. Something worth the exchange. Maybe I should just keep quiet until I have something to say. That doesn't suck.