Justin Hinds - The Higher the Monkey Climbs

The Dicktionary ---In which all various shades of stupid dick are arranged alphabetically for your convenience. A is for Arse. Dicks speak a load of arse. B is for Bad behaviour. C is for Chaos. Fools rush in they say, which is why dicks and fools have a mutual understanding. Chaos ensues from running dicks. Even if the meadows are fresh and green. D is for Disaster. The product of unrestrained dicks. E is for Eventually. He'll get it...eventually.... F is for FFS!!! G is for Grinning. Inanely. Completely oblivious to the trail of debris behind you. H is for Hiding. A stealthy dick is a healthy one. I is for Imbecile. J is for Just hold that thought. K is for Kick. As in KICK them. L is for Leash. Dicks shall be kept on a leash at all times. M is for Mild case of dick. N is for No. Just no. O is for Oh. P is for Please stop being a dick. Q is for Ps and Qs. Dicks have a habit of forgetting these. R is for Reckless dicks. S is for Silent. My phone was on silent. T is for Total dicks. U is for Untethered. All dicks shall be tethered. V is for Viciousness. The result of dicks. W is for Why? Why choose to be a dick. Why???? X is for Xenic. I detect the presence of bad dick bacteria. (Go look it up) Y is for Yield. Never yield to dicks. Z is for Zoos. I would rather spend time with the chimps in the zoo than with dicks.

Cyril Tourney - Sally Free and Easy

"Sally free and easy that should be her name When my body's landed hope she dies of shame." Well that was a sinister ending to an otherwise lovely song. In other news I'm reading about Genghis Khan. Hope you're sitting comfortably children. Genghis Khan was a kindly, warm-hearted, well meaning man born on the border between Mongolia and Russia in around 1155. It is said that he was born clutching a blood clot, an omen to the coming of a warrior who would be a great leader someday. As a boy he was expelled from his home tribe along with his mother, his three brothers and his sister after his father - the chieftain - was poisoned by a rival tribe. They roamed the plains hungry and lost. One day his brother stole some food for himself, so Genghis killed him. And thus a warrior was born. Miraculously he escaped exile and returned to the clan of his childhood sweetheart. They met, it was deemed a match, and they were blissfully married. Shortly afterwards the lucky lady was kidnapped by a rival clan. Genghis dutifully whisked her away home. By which point the beautiful newly wed was too knackered to even bat an eyelid at her knight in shining armour's numerous wives and concubines that popped up about the place. With a new tribe to support him, Genghis was unstoppable. Enemies were forced to flee or die, and word of his bravery spread throughout the land. Genghis created laws for his people and anyone who did not obey was severely punished. And these punishments were original. I don't mean boring old solitary confinement or a day in the stocks. I'm pretty certain that if I were at risk of being launched into some boiling oil, having my head removed or getting [my personal favourite] "tied to horses and dragged over miles and miles of rough terrain."* I wouldn't show much resistance either. That said, even brutal dictators have a sweeter side, and in paintings he is said to be portrayed with a long grandfatherly beard and "laughter lines round his eyes."* Furthermore he was apparently humoured by sycophants that were in a state of perpetual terror greatly esteemed for his fondness of religion and philosophy, and he was against bigotry. Well if you're going to massacre people I suppose you may as well not be fussy about it. *The Most Evil Dictators in History, Shelley Klein, Michael O'Mara Books Ltd 2002

B B King

A strange day. Went to practice. Went to art class. Left footprints in some fresh snow. Strangely satisfying. We invented an ode to art class using words that rhymed with the name of the class. Potentially all rhyming words will be thrown in a collage to be swapped around according to poetical preference. A bit like the fridge magnet game, but better. A good day. Can't put my finger on the feeling. New. I used to be afraid to turn up late. Now I start when everyone has finished. Seems to work for me. Time is relative. I guess that's why hippies don't get jobs.

Vaughan Williams Christmas Fantasia

Love should be abolished it ruins everything. Okay maybe not the true embodiment thereof. But the word itself. The reason? It's like the Sinatra song: "..then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid.." Never utter the L word; for cursed ye shall be. And certainly not to someone you have feelings about. It sounds stupid but trust me I learnt the hard way. In reality love between two human beings is the ability to accidentally switch credit cards and not notice until one of you has to pay for something. Realising your mistake you make a rushed call to the afflicted person to explain the dilemma mid train journey whilst being confronted by the ticket inspector. Whereupon you divulge pin numbers so that you're both equipped for future purchases. And most importantly the exchange is painless. You both laugh it off and carry on with your day merry and joyful. Yup, that's something special. Alternatively if you listen to Radio 4 panel shows, then the definition of love is: "Seven consecutive texts with no reply, but not eight -- that would be weird" This being a suggestion sent in by a listener after being asked for their opinion as to what indeed love is. I am inclined to agree with this although it's not a method I would choose but hey, I'm defeatist. I've definitely never been guilty of obsessive texting -- ahem --*must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes* *must learn from my mistakes*

Grails - Smokey Room

Irony: Those on the dole will inevitably be labelled as hypocrites for boycotting big business while still needing them to obtain food and essentials. Meanwhile the rich shall be deemed green and virtuous; they are the only ones who can afford solar panels and yurts.

Scala and Kolacny Brothers - When Doves Cry

Time for another mopy post. Happiness levels: 53%; approx 20% better than Sat. On Saturday my face was attacked by strange leak from the eyes for most of the day. Situation only slightly improved by the fabrication of punk Christmas cards using acrylic paint and a sponge. Depression levels: Up from last week at about 40%. The only thing that stops me staring into the abyss and falling into it is pizza and chocolate. Up and down up and down up and down. It's only taken me a year to finally get off my arse and get those business cards in the windows. I'm a lazy bugger. I have no one to blame but myself. Violin teaching. Okay I can do this. I don't know why it's taken me so long. Making the business cards was pretty easy, but for some reason I put it off and off, thinking it was beyond me. It isn't. What a wasted year. I've achieved nothing. I can't get angry with myself. It won't help the situation. Okay hello world. Here I come.

Scott Walker Bish Bosch

Why I (most likely) won't have kids Obviously never say never, and no, I am not a baby hater. I think they are cute and respect must go out to parents who somehow manage not to make a hash of growing their dribbling lumps of puke and poop into well rounded and decent people. It doesn't appeal though. For one thing, I prefer cats. Cats stay cute forever and are less likely to wail if you don't buy them an Iphone. And for another: http://sturdyblog.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/baby-fever/#comments I'm no scientist but I'm pretty sure that the planet Earth already has a sufficient number of human beings. Out of that number I'd deduce that only a tiny percentage of those people are well-fed/happy/satisfied and only a marginally larger number are above the breadline/housed/not manically depressed. The thought of getting pregnant terrifies me. Luckily the way things are going the only way that'll ever be danger is if I somehow run into a guy called Joseph with a donkey and the midwife declares it as immaculate conception. It is terrifying though. Even the most 'in it for the kids', prepared to tie the knot of couples don't tend to last the Winter, and rarely have I witnessed a marriage that didn't involve the most hateful point scoring and competitiveness between two people. Not what I would use to define a loving relationship. One of my pet hates is couples who use their child to 'fix' their relationship. The way I see it, if your relationship is neither emotionally nor financially stable then don't even bother. The child will be a wreck from having to do United Nations-scale peace treaties between the feuding parties. Not to mention scathing relatives who will look for someone to blame when it all goes tits up. Children need stability. End of story. And no amount sticking plaster trips to the toy store and wool-over-the-eyes rounds at the penny arcade will change that.